Month: April 2015

Let there be darkness: a poem

Painting by Francesco Borzani

Painting by Francesco Borzani

I breathe and I live

It is but a small step towards my grave

A beautiful mirror that most may miss

Would there be a south, if there was no north

Would there be a west, if there was no east

If there was no darkness, would I know light

Would I stare in wonder at the sunset bowing to the night

Would I know love, if there was no hate

If there was no war, could I welcome peace

Would I know joy if there was no sadness

Happy are those in pain, they say

For they will see Heaven,

Happiness, an illusion

Laugh, sing, dance, and be gay

Just the absence of pain

How would life be if there was no death

Would I postpone today until eternity

Would I desire dying if there was no last breath

So today I will declare

Let there be darkness so I can embrace the light

I will befriend pain, so I know when I feel joy

You can hate me so I can find love

I will tango with death so I can live today, as if it were my last

Wild Creatures

This is a very interesting blog about self perception that I thought I would reblog. We can’t always choose our appearance, but we can chose how we see ourselves.

The Tusk

Ursus_arctos_-_Norway

by Maria Catt

I have a friend who can’t talk about her appearance without using the word “troll.” She’s short and small. She has beautiful creamy woodsy coloring– light brown hair, pink peach skin, glittering green eyes, a graceful swoop of a nose. She is small enough that you feel protective around her. You look at the space around her scanning for potential difficulty. Can she reach that plate she’s after? Am I towering over her? If I had to compare her to a magical creature, troll would not make the list– for one thing, trolls are huge and live under bridges. I’d pick nymph. I don’t know that she’d like that, nymphs don’t have a rep as being very powerful. But if I was going to cast my friend in a movie about a magical encounter, I’d have her play the spirit of an elm the hero rests under. …

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Parents vs. non-Parents

There is always the counterpoint that “you don’t understand until you’ve had your own kid”. Yes, I agree. But because I don’t have my own kid, I find myself free to judge. 
I have been around parents recently and I decided to delete any personal misconceptions of wonderfulness of parenthood.

Some parents think having a child is selfless – on what planet? Kids don’t ask to be born. I guess we all know this. If someone was raped…I can understand that’s being selfless. You can’t choose to have a child and then turn around and say I’m sacrificing all  my life for the child. I don’t want children. Also selfish. I want the freedom. 

There is a strange misconception that just because a kid wants attention, they should get it. It’s like breeding an apron-clinging-nipple-sucking generation that cannot be independent. There was a story about a guy who got a bad to OK end of year review at work and mom called the boss to understand why. Say it ain’t so!!!!!

Some parents become boring. After a kid is born, they have nothing else to talk about besides the development of their kid. “Oh my gosh she has a tooth!”. My response is usually, that’s what kids do. Unless your kid is the new Mozart or that guy that could recite Pi forever, I don’t want to hear it. It’s boring. If your kid falls into the hump of the normal distribution, please know you are boring us to death. How can you possibly not have anything interesting to say? Watch the news at work, go for a beer with adults. Do something for goodness sakes.

On that note, your kid is most likely not  exceptional. With 7 billion people in the world that were or are kids, trust me, your kid likely falls under the range of normal, and is like any other kid. So stop updating us on useless information we could get on the internet if we were interested.

Most kids are ugly. Especially newborns. The beauty of a new born is that a new life has been put forward, nothing to do with the face. So please stop texting me pictures of your alien looking kid. And after that, don’t send me pics of your fat baby. If I want to see a picture, I ask – which I honestly do. 

Kids are not toys. Don’t play with the like they are personal entertainment. If they are, start saying for future therapy.

Having said all this, if I have a kid, I will update and see if I become one of those “please-put- a-pencil-in-my-eye” helicopter parents.

The boyfriend diary: Fixing my unemotional character

I’ve been told that I’m unemotional. Last time I heard this was when I was getting dumped. Don’t worry, this wasn’t painful at all. I’ve used my lack of emotion as a tool to deal with life. So I never had a problem with “unemotional”. I liked it. I owned it. It defined me. But frequently I found that people define emotional differently.

Then as life would have it, I started writing a book. The book is written from the point of view of a 10 year old boy. I found out soon enough that the little boy, Farai, was just like me – or just like how i thought I would react in the situations he found himself in. It took a lot of help, reading, emotional thesaurus and creative acrobatics to make him more realistic. I essentially resisted this at the beginning because I felt (and still do feel) that there are situations where kids his age would react that way in Zimbabwe (i.e. unemotionally). I was trying not to turn him into a pussy little boy. I think I managed.

I recently started an autobiography “idea”, and I ran into the same problem. However, to every problem there is a  solution. I listed three solutions:

A personal “emotions diary”

love diary

love diary

I did three days. Everyday for three whole days, I wrote up to three prominent feelings I had. I had to think about questions like: What did a feel? What physiological changes did I experience, increase in heart rate, body temperature, tensing of muscles? What thoughts were going through my head and what did I say? How did I say it?

After three days, it wasn’t working so well. Ignorance had been bliss. I operated under the idea that “I don’t think about my emotions so therefore I don’t have any”. There were also events that happened through that short period that made me scared of myself. I will likely come back to that on another day.

An emotions diary about my relationship

I’m dating a truly amazing guy. He makes me happy. I decided to start a diary tomorrow on how he makes me feel. I plan to start with the positive feelings (thats just taking the path of least resistance). Maybe a daily log of our life would be a great gift for him one day. I’m curious to see whether I can be honest. If I can be honest about a situation that brings so much happiness to my life, then I expect that will be a training ground for my autobiography. I can start with the happy times. I wasn’t always unemotional.

A therapist

Someone once said to me “there are people who go to school for years to learn how to deal with people like you EJ.” Well – my ex-therapist acquired his own therapist….Only joking, I’m not that broken. Therapy is not an option because I don’t trust that I will be able to open up to someone who essentially couldn’t care less if I walked through his door or not. I don’t think you can pay someone to care. I can understand their value, but in my skepticism, its not for me.

I went with the boyfriend diary. Stay tuned for how much progress I make.